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Anonymous said: Did you know that Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders?

I feel like there is some sort of sexual innuendo in this but I don’t know enough Harry Potter to know for sure.  

Rape, Murder, and Injustice are only considered war crimes if you are on the losing side. 

Anonymous said: how many people have you had sex with?

I lost count at 5 million but that doesn’t make me a whore right? at least 4.9 million were accidents.. damn that tequila! It gets me every time. 

Anonymous said: can we make out

I’d be game but I kind of stepped on a rusty nail and well long story short I have tetanus… Now you may be thinking hey that’s not a big deal its 2k14, but sadly I got lockjaw from it and currently all I can do is hum. You are more than welcome to come and try and jam your tongue in there to try and pop my jaw back in place but I get the odd feeling that may be uncomfortable for all parties involved. On the plus side I have a specialist from Sweden flying in town to fix this little embarrassing situation, but that damn Obama care is making this a little difficult so before he comes I’m going to have to go up to Washington to discuss good ole’ legislation reform with Barry and we all know how that one is going to go. So anyway yeah that’s the current situation so I’ll keep ya updated! 

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If you are 17 stop posting your damn pregnant belly on social media. Go apply to be on MTV or some shit.

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